We all know routines are great for kids, so let’s get this bedtime routine started.
Step One: Turn down the bright lights in your house. This will turn in to a rave with your kids where they run around flipping the switches up and down and bouncing and running through the hallway screaming.
Step Two: Catch rave child and place them in a nice warm bath with lavender oil where your child will then continue their rave by splashing all the water on to your floor and you, once they’ve finished take them out like a wet fish slipping through your hands and wrap them up in a towel that will immediately be tossed to the side when you set them down and they will run around the house naked for about 3 to 5 minutes while you change in to dry clothes before chasing them down again.
Step Three: Once caught you can wrestle them in to submission to get their pajamas on, this will take some practice, and if you have a child that is larger expect them to kick you in the gut unexpectedly, because you’re “tickling them” which you are definitely not.
Step Four: Ugh… you should have brushed their teeth while you were still in the bathroom. Take them back to the now very wet bathroom and force them to brush their teeth while they start a new rave by flipping the light on and off again because their toothbrush lights up and you thought that was a good idea at the store for some reason.
Step Five: Now they’re hungry again… Starving to be exact. Make a bedtime snack while cursing under your breath. Then repeat step four.
Step Six: It’s story time! You’re going to have to read the same three books for eternity. And they’re all really long, and your kid has it memorized so don’t try to skip pages because they will know.
Step Seven: Turn on all 24 night lights and listen to your kid complain that it’s still too dark in their room.
Step Eight: Sing lullaby and wait for your child to start snoring so you can ninja roll out of the room, this will require you to step over at least 3 sharp toys too, and if you mess up you better hold in the yelp of pain because otherwise you’re stuck in there for another 20 minutes until they’re back asleep again.
Step Nine: Wake up in the middle of the night with child because of one of the following, they have to go to the bathroom, they need a drink of water, they had a bad dream, they were lonely, the blanket is too itchy, or my favorite, no reason.
Step Ten: Lay down in car shaped bed next to child because you’re so tired and repeat step eight. Only get half way through before you fall asleep and wake up multiple times because the night lights are too bright, child has taken all the blankets, foot in your face, or any other random thing that you won’t do anything about because you’re too tired to think.
Step Eleven: Have you child wake you up about an hour before your alarm because they’re wide awake and ready to start the day.
There you have it folks, my surefire sleep routine. I should probably make an E-book or something. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go put my coffee in an IV.